


worst of you

by wonkyunsheart



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Awkward Boners, Cuddling & Snuggling, High School, M/M, Mild Blood, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Beta Read, References to Depression, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:22:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24300523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonkyunsheart/pseuds/wonkyunsheart
Summary: Changkyun pushes everyone away, everyone who has ever tried to be close to him has been pushed away.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Im Changkyun | I.M, Im Changkyun | I.M & Lee Jooheon, Im Changkyun | I.M & Lee Minhyuk, Im Changkyun | I.M & Son Hyunwoo | Shownu, Im Changkyun | I.M & Yoo Kihyun, Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Jooheon
Comments: 6
Kudos: 51





	worst of you

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first thing I've written in since july of last year so hope it isn't totally shitty.

Changkyun knows he’s fucked up. He knows that he has more bad qualities than good. Changkyun knows all the bad things he has ever done and the way he hurts everyone around him. He knows he can be rude and snippy and ignore the others around him. Changkyun knows he hurts people by his indecisiveness and his insecurities.

Changkyun knows this and he understands why all of his friends have eventually left him. Tired of the mental gymnastics they have to go through to understand Changkyun. Everyone has left him, his parents, his friends. 

He thinks about them as he lays on the roof, staring at the sky with a lit secret burning out in the ashtray next to him. He thinks of them all, there aren’t many. Only 6 friends that stayed long enough for them to hurt. 

Middle School was when it all became prevalent, when he remembers feeling his worst, feeling like the world was crashing down around him and burying him under the debris. Slowly suffocating with no hope or chance of escaping. Then Minhyuk came.

Loud, brash and annoying Minhyuk. Minhyuk who made fake piercings and went through the trouble of spray dyeing his hair orange every morning in the boys bathroom because his parents would let him dye it. He says it's because he looks edgier. He gave Changkyun his first tattoo idea. 

Minhyuk who stayed with him for almost 5 months before deciding Changkyun was too much to handle. Minhyuk could deal with most of it, Changkyun suddenly breathing heavily during class and running as far as he could to the nearest bathroom and coming back with tear tracks down his cheeks and face red. 

Minhyuk could understand Changkyun not answering his texts. He would just keep texting him until Changkyun either responded or muted his phone. Changkyun decided to keep his phone muted after that, thinking Minhyuk only cared to text him because all of his other friends were busy. 

Minhyuk had a lot of friends, Hyungwon was the person he sat with at lunch, blabbering and ranting about his history teacher while Changkyun sat in the library eating his lunch. 

Minhyuk could deal with most things Changkyun did, always double checking he wasn’t mad and actually pretending to care when Changkyun talked about the things he liked. Showing more enthusiasm than his parents ever did. 

Then it got all too much for Minhyuk. Changkyun doesn’t really remember how this one happened, he remembers Minhyuk slowly stopped asking him to come sit with him at lunch. Even though Changkyun said no every time Minhyuk asked every day. 

He was slowly fazed out from Minhyuk's life when he didn’t even think he was in it to begin with.

The next was Hyunwoo. 

Hyunwoo was his therapist. His therapist for his anxiety and depression. Which Changkyun had always known was a possibility. But he never thought it to be true. Changkyun doesn’t remember every session with Hyunwoo, but he remembers feeling comfortable around him after the third visit, he remembers Hyunwoo smiling and telling him about his own children. 

Changkyun remembers asking questions, oh so many questions about his anxiety and depression. 

“So if I get rid of my anxiety and depression I’ll have friends?” Changkyun had asked him with these wide eyes. Changkyun used to have hope that he could be fixed, that he wouldn’t have people leave him so often.

“Changkyun, you can’t fix anxiety and depression. They don’t need to go away for you to make friends. You know that right bub?” Hyunwoo had told him. Changkyun in fact didn’t know that. 

“But- I can’t make friends like this” Changkyun is on the verge of tears, little Changkyun crying in a chair too big for him, just wanting someone to stay, stay with him.   
“Changkyun that’s possible, once you learn to cope with these things-” Hyunwoo started gently. 

“No. I want them gone. I want them fixed. I wanna be fixed!” Changkyun had screamed, he kept screaming ad Hyunwoo, it was only their second session and he already snapped. Hyunwoo frowned but got up, standing arms length away.

“Changkyun, we can do this together.”

Changkyun ran from the office and didn’t return for a month. 

When he did he stayed for the full hour and returned every week on Sunday after church. As sad as it was Hyunwoo became his new best friend. The only one who had stayed this long. At this point Changkyun had been through two friends, and he had decided to give up on them entirely. 

Hyunwoo helped him in ways Changkyun will never be able to say, told him things Changkyun still remembers to this day and ways to cope that Changkyun still uses. 

When he feels a panic attack coming on, 5 things he can see, 4 he can feel, 3 he can hear, 2 he can smell and 1 he can taste. Changkyun does it whenever he is sitting in class. The problems overwhelm him, make him feel so scared by them. 

He looks at the chalkboard, one, Minhyuk's orange hair, two, the teacher's skirt, three, his pencil gripped tightly in his sweaty pale hand, four, his scuffed converse caked in mud, five. He takes a deep breath and rubs his hand between the rips on his jeans, that's two things he can feel, he runs his fingers through his hair, three. He repeats them until his breath steadies and he doesn’t feel like he's suffocating.

He looks down at his sheet of math equations, and writes down an answer.

Hyunwoo doesn’t leave like the rest, he doesn’t slowly faze him out or yell at him until Changkyun's crying on his floor. 

He leaves Changkyun behind with a simple few words told at the end of his session.

“Changkyun, I need to tell you that I’m going to be moving back to Seoul, so you’ll be assigned a new therapist” Hyunwoo told him like he always did, soft and sweet, gentle and kind. 

Changkyun stared at Hyunwoo for a moment. He couldn’t say anything. He felt it again, the crushing guilt sitting on his chest and pushing the air out, his eyes felt hot and they stung as he blinked back hot tears.

“You said, You said you would help me!” Changkyun snapped, “You said we could do it together but now you're making it worse!” Changkyun yelled as he sobbed, falling to the floor as his chest rose and fell with no clear rhythm, just trying to get air into his lungs as he cried. 

Hyunwoo tried to comfort him, but the second he came close Changkyun flinched away like he was afraid.

Changkyun cried the whole way home. He refused to go back to therapy again. 

Changkyun is sitting on his roof, he’s 19 now, and as the voices in his head get louder. The voices haven’t shut up since Hyungwon left him, since that day. The voices have never left him, never stopped telling him every awful thing about him until he either broke down or screamed so loud he couldn’t hear them anymore. He realizes he needs something, -someone- to take his mind off of them. 

He pretends to not to listen but the voices are loud, reminding him of how awful he was. How awful he is. The voices never stop. Changkyun wants to claw at his wrists until they turn red with angry lines, but his nails are too blunt, he cut them, he needs him. 

Changkyun doesn’t want to think about the voices, he goes back through his window and wrecks his room trying to find his boots. He runs down the stairs only hoping his parents aren’t awake to hear, he doesn’t even know if they would care.

The front door is slammed behind him as he runs to his bike and gets on, he feels sick. The bike reminds him of Hyungwon, how everything went wrong, he swallows back bile in his throat. He’s gone now, pedaling away in the dark of night with the wind blowing against his face and only his memory to guide him to his next destination. 

The voices get louder, condescending in his head like a drum as he sees the house come into view. The wind has drowned the voices out and when he stops he wishes he could keep going, but no. He halts quickly, letting his boots burn against the ashplant. 

When he reaches the lawn he tosses the bike down and races to the front step.

He knocks on the door, one, two, three. He waits. The door swings open. Hoseok. He falls into his chest with no warning and wraps his arms around him, and it seems like he understands immediately. He pulls him inside with his big arms holding him tightly. He feels secure in Hoseok arms. He knows he shouldn’t, but he does. He curls up and cries as Hoseok takes care of him. He doesn’t want to think about how soon enough, Hoseok will leave too. 

It’s only a week after Hyunwoo leaves that Changkyun runs into Hyungwon in the library. Hyungwon had always been quieter and more reserved than Kihyun and Minhyuk, he always looked half asleep to Changkyun and he never knew how he dealt with Minhyuk's personality.

Hyungwon has his head buried in his biology textbook when Changkyun sits down across from him, the seat farthest from him. 

“Hey” Hyungwon said simply, and it all seemed to spiral from there. 

Late night conversations were had where Hyungwon talked to him, about anything and everything. He talked about Minhyuk and Kihyun and his dad, he talked about games and what he was writing, Changkyun ate it up and listened to him until he stopped. Until they fell asleep with the line still on at 4 in the morning only to wake up 2 hours later.

It had been months with Hyungwon, the longest one so far, 6 months with Hyungwon listening to every word he said, paying attention and helping him. Changkyun always thought he was pitying him, but he wanted something, someone to pay him the time of day, pay attention even if it was out of pity. 

Changkyun and Hyungwon did everything together, they did their homework in the library and ate their lunch together, giggling while they talked about the people around them. Hyungwon and Changkyun got close quickly, too quickly if you ask Changkyun, now he thinks about how he shouldn’t have let his guard down so quickly around Hyungwon so quickly. How he shouldn’t have let Hyungwon make a hole in his heart.

For Changkyun’s half birthday Hyungwon gifts him his biology textbook for their next semester, all the pages labeled with Hyungwon’s notes in his messy handwriting, giving him the answers and trying to make it more fun. Changkyun cries from pure joy and Hyungwon laughs and tells him not to, hugs him to his chest and lets him cry.

Changkyun never had a better friend then Hyungwon. 

Changkyun taught Hyungwon how to ride a bike in the middle of the night at the park, both of their parents thought they were at each other's houses. But that night after leaving to walk to the other houses they met at the park in their neighborhood.

Changkyun eventually persuades Hyungwon into getting on his bike, and he grips the taller boy's waist in his hands, bunching up his shirt as Hyungwon steadies himself. 

“Are you ready?” He asks Hyungwon, smirking as the boy tenses up. “Yeah, yeah Changkyun I’m ready” Hyungwon started slowly pushing on the pedals, Changkyun held on to his waist as he actually started moving steadily.

Hyungwon started going faster as soon as he realized he was steady, Changkyun kept his hands on his waist the whole time, running on the side of him until Hyungwon was going too fast, he let go and watched as Hyungwon sped up.

“Changkyun where did your hands go?” Hyungwon asked, already starting to panic, that's when Changkyun realized his mistake, he ran until he got close enough to Hyungwon, just to watch him skid to a halt and flip on to his side on the concrete.

Changkyun stood still for a moment, completely frozen, had he just hurt him? Until Hyungwon burst into laughter, wheezing on the ground until he couldn’t breathe, and Changkyun started laughing too. 

Somehow Changkyun ended up sitting on the concrete with Hyungwon, staring at the bloody red skid marks on the side of his face. He gently pulled the pebbles off of his cheek bone and dusted off the dirt as Hyungwon winced. 

The moonlight was hitting the side of Hyungwon’s face, making him look oh so delicate and pretty, his hair curled around his ears and his glasses skewed. Hyungwon had always been pretty to Changkyun, his lips and hair, his soft and sweet tired eyes and his nose. Changkyun really liked looking at Hyungwon.

Changkyun gently placed his hand over Hyungwon’s cheek and wiped at his cheek again. 

Then Changkyun did what he had been wanting to do forever, he pressed his lips against Hyungwon’s. It lasted only a second before two lithe hands pushed him away, effectively landing him sprawled on the pavement on his back. 

He took a deep breath, waiting for something, anything. Then he got it. 

“Changkyun you fucking freak!” Hyungwon shouted. Changkyun laid still, he didn’t say anything, he didn’t think he could feel anything either, his head and shoulders hurt, but that didn’t really matter as much as his heart hurt. 

He laid there on the ground, hoping for Hyungwon to say anything, to forgive him. He had a million things he wanted to say, ‘I didn’t mean it!’, ‘it was an accident’, ‘it'll never happen again’. But he couldn’t say anything, his chest was tight and his head hurt, his eyes were filled with tears and the sides of his face were wet. 

He didn’t know when he started crying, but he knew he never stopped. When he saw Hyungwon in the hallway he ran to the nearest bathroom and sobbed, when he saw the scuffs on his bike from the fall he teared up. 

Changkyun didn’t get up from the cold concrete for what felt like hours, it could’ve been minutes or just seconds, but when he did get up, Hyungwon was nowhere to be seen.

Changkyun meets Kihyun when he is 15. officially meets him that is, he had seen him around the halls with his friends, silently ignoring each other, they had never even noticed each other. Changkyun didn’t even know if Kihyun knew he existed, or if he knew his name. 

But when they were paired up for a science fair project Kihyun plopped down next Changkyun in the back row and smiled, all teeth and smile lines and chirped out,   
‘Hello Changkyun!” 

Kihyun did eventually stop smiling that day in class while they decided what their project would be. Changkyun barely remembers it now, something to do with lots of graphing, he remembers spending hours with Kihyun recording different outcomes of their experiment. 

Changkyun tried to forget Kihyun, he really did. But you can’t forget someone like Kihyun. Kihyun who was all smiles and laughter and good nature, who take care of him like a mother and loved him like a brother. 

Changkyun had never had either of those. he had held on too tightly, too long, let himself get attached enough again for it to hurt when Kihyun left him. 

and Kihyun did leave, just like the rest of them. 

Kihyun and Changkyun spent all their spare time together doing their science project, they used it as an excuse to hang out. Play video games and then work on the assignment. Changkyun remembers stupid things, Kihyun's house had yellow cabinets in the kitchen and a dog statue on the patio. 

Kihyun couldn’t play video games. they were his brothers. he could remember all that. But Changkyun couldn’t remember when it all began, or maybe he just repressed enough so that he can make the mistake again, fall again. 

maybe it was when they were laying on Kihyun's too tiny twin bed at 6pm trying to read the same biology text book because Changkyun forget his. from their shoulders to their ankles they were touching, they were too close for two boys. that’s what Changkyuns dad would have said 

maybe it was when they got 2nd place at the science fair and Kihyun jumped into Changkyuns arms, Changkyun who was dead on his feet and hadn’t slept the night before, with tear stains running down his cheeks. they had toppled over and changkyun had laughed at Kihyun pouting and grumbling. 

his back hurt, but he barely noticed that, too busy staring at Kihyun, his jawline, his happy smile, his teeth and his eyes. he looked so happy, he looked beautiful. 

Changkyun had pushed him off when he thought that, tried to play it off as a joke, but they both knew it wasn’t. Kihyun just didn’t know why. 

that same night Kihyun had cursed out Changkyuns parents for not being there when Changkyun and him got second place. he didn’t care his parents were there, they never were there for anything else, so would make them come now? 

Kihyun insisted that Changkyun sleep over at his that night, and sleep over they did. again cramped into Kihyun's small bed, facing each other, and that’s when Kihyun asked. 

“Changkyun-ah, do you like me?” he asked in the silence, in the dark of the room. the deafening silence made Changkyuns heart beat sound louder. 

“of course i like you, your my best friend Kihyun” Changkyun laughed awkwardly. he wouldn’t- couldn't let Kihyun find out. 

“i know that. your my best friend too. i just meant like, as more than friends?” Kihyun said it so quietly that if Changkyun hadn’t been listening for it he wouldn’t have heard it. he sucked in a breath, feeling his chest get tight. 

“would that bother you?” he asked, trying to slow his breathing, trying to calm down. 

“no. no, I- Changkyun i wouldn’t care if you liked me like that. as long as you know i’ll never like you like that” and ouch. That hurt more than the topple to the floor. 

Changkyun's chest was too tight, he couldn’t breathe. he couldn’t breathe at all. it was too hard. he was hyperventilating. Kihyun sat up.   
“Changkyun what’s wrong?” Changkyun was having a panic attack, his vision felt foggy and his head was so loud, so many things being yelled yet he felt like he was underwater. unable to see, hear or breathe. he couldn’t breathe. he couldn’t feel anything around him, and he was terrified. 

there were things being said. he couldn’t hear them, they were benign drowned out, someone was touching him, his skin burned like he had been struck with a lighter. he was a flame and there was nothing he could do to stop it. 

he sobbed and shoved the hand away, he heard a crash and a thud but he couldn’t see, couldn’t hear. 

he didn’t remember anything from the rest of the night. 

Changkyun would later find out he had shoved Kihyun away, pushed him off the bed, Kihyun had hit his head on his desk and was bleeding, bleeding so bad the carpets stained. 

Changkyun cries whenever he thinks about it. thinks about Kihyun. how much he hurt him, how his parents told Changkyun he couldn’t see him, how much he cried in the hospital, his parents told him to go back to therapy. he sobbed harder. 

Changkyun cries whenever he thinks about Kihyun, how he would look away whenever they were in the halls, how in class they were put on the opposite sides across the room, per Kihyun's request Changkyun assumes. 

Changkyun is crying into Hoseok's chest. their curled up in his bed, blankets and plushies all around them and Changkyun placed delicately in his lap. Changkyun things about how Kihyun must’ve looked that night, how he felt, and he sobs harder. 

he lets it out and he cries and cries until his eyes are dry and he’s hiccuping and gasping for breath, a straw is placed to his lips and he gently sucks on it, drinking the water at his own pace as he gets his back patted. he stops in between large sips to hiccup and gasp. 

once he stops gasping Hoseok takes the cup away, and Hoseok runs his big hands down Changkyun's tiny arms. rubs them on his face. 

“what do you need Changkyun?” he asks, ever so softly, his own eyes are glossy and his lips are bitten red. Changkyun thinks he looks beautiful. 

“i want to feel real” Changkyun said. and if there was one thing Hoseok knew was that meant there was nothing he could do except hold him. hold him in his arms and squeeze him as tight as he could until Changkyun felt his broken pieces mend back together. 

his broken pieces didn’t all fit together. they were jagged and scratched against each other. pieces were missing. after times like these Changkyun gets less whole. he likes it that way. 

so Hoseok holds him. their hands interlocked on his chest, squishes him until they both fall asleep, and when Hoseok wakes up Changkyun is gone. like he was never there. there was a piece of paper on his nightstand that wasn’t there before. a ripped piece of notebook paper. 

the only indication someone other than Hoseok was there last night. he opens up the folded piece of paper and looks at it. 

there’s a small drawing of two otters on it, one bigger than the other, they are drifting apart but their hands stay interlocked. 

Changkyun wrote on the bottom 

‘otters hold hands when they sleep so they don’t drift away from each other. you held my hand as we slept so i didn’t drift away from myself’ 

Hoseok wants to cry. Changkyun isn’t here, so he could. but he doesn't. He sniffles and gets up, walking to his closet to pull down a little wooden box, it used to be a jewelry box that made music. A little spinning ballerina would pop up when opened. Hoseok had never seen her spin his whole 20 years. 

Inside is his grandmother's wedding ring and her brooch she always wore. On the other side, every drawing and note changkyun has ever left him. 

A polaroid picture is taped to where the mirror on it used to be. It's Changkyun, he’s sitting on the floor in Hoseok's room. shirt off as he tattoos himself on the arm. He had tattooed a smiley face, because he had been happy. Oh so happy, and that should be celebrated. 

Hoseok does cry then, on the floor of his bedroom, thinking about Changkyun. and just how much he wants him to be happy. 

Changkyun and Jooheon were the best of friends senior year.

Changkyun just wanted to glide through senior year without anyone getting in his way. Without fucking up another’s persons life. 

He didn’t even get close. October rolled around and blue haired Jooheon arrived. Jooheon was the embodiment of an overexcited puppy, all smiles and happy laughs and too loud voices, he could be serious. Changkyun knew this. But no one knew him for that. 

Jooheon had kicked a soccer ball into Changkyuns head the first time they met, Changkyun had been fine but Jooheon insisted on taking him to nurses office, giving him a smirk and saying that his kicks were just too good.

Changkyun had let him. Then everything seemed to spiral from there. Jooheon wouldn’t leave him alone. Whenever Changkyun was alone suddenly he wasn’t, because there was Jooheon, blue hair and baggy pants and a smiling face. 

Changkyun had grown accustomed to just pushing Jooheon away, not wanting to get involved. He didn’t know why he was so obsessed with him. Changkyun didn’t think he deserved to be obsessed over. 

Jooheon and Changkyun became friends when Changkyun was skateboarding down the street and Jooheon had joined him. Pulling up next to him with his ever so bright smile and nearly scaring Changkyun enough to fall off his board. Instead he stopped, and he did the boldest thing he had ever done on his meds. 

“Why the fuck do you keep following me?” It had been months. Maybe 3 if Changkyun paid attention. Jooheon just smiled.   
“You look cool dude. I like cool people. I’m a transfer from Busan. Have you been here your whole life?” Jooheon asked. 

Changkyun glared at him and huffed before getting back on his board, and skating away from the boy with the electric blue hair. 

The next day Jooheon sat down next to Changkyun during lunch. Now two people sat on the edge of the anime kids table. 

“You never answered my question.” was the first thing Jooheon said upon sitting down. 

“What?” Changkyun asked. 

“Have you been here your whole life? In Seoul?” Jooheon asked, Changkyun stared at him again before sighing. It didn’t seem like he would ever shake Jooheon, at least not soon. 

“I’ve been here my whole life. Can you go now?” Changkyun asked, trying to be polite. 

“Nah I don’t think I will. I like you Changkyun. You seem interesting.” Jooheon had told him. Changkyun looked out the window at the pouring rain, no one else was looking at it. He realized he was a lot like rain. No one cared about it until it got in their way and ruined their day. 

He was the rain and Jooheon was the sun, and Changkyun knew with time he would put out Jooheon's light, ruin the day and rain over everything Jooheon had grown. 

“I’m not interesting” Changkyun murmured. Jooheon followed his line of sight to the rain. Jooheon’s face lit up in a troublemaker smile, and he grabbed the taller man's wrist, and dragged him up with a hiss, before he started running out from the cafeteria. 

“What the fuck!?” Changkyun yelled as he was being dragged along by the slightly older boy, he was dragged outside and into the rain, feeling himself get wet through his jacket and shirt. He squirmed and looked at Jooheon, who had let him go by now, and was twirling around in the rain. 

“Are you Insane!?” Changkyun screamed at the boy, his skin was cold already and there was water droplets going down his neck, his back getting hit with cold splashes. 

“Maybe! Maybe you are too!” Changkyun rolled his eyes and went to his next class, sitting under the overhang to keep the rain off of him. 

Changkyun didn’t go to school for a week. He had gotten pneumonia, and he wished it had done more damage. 

When he got back to class Jooheon was by his side in English, passing him notes that Changkyun never responded to. 

That’s how it was for a while, Changkyun dutifully putting up with Jooheon’s over excitedness while keeping his distance. He wouldn’t get attached by the cute brown eyes and the chubby cheeks and the adorable smile. 

6 months into whatever they were calling a friendship Jooheon and him sat in front of Convenience store and drank slurpees while sharing 3 long slim Jim's. 

“Have you ever wanted to die?” Jooheon asked suddenly, and Changkyun choked on his cherry slurpee. Why in the fuck would Jooheon ask something like that? Changkyun pauses and stills, his heart isn’t beating too fast, he feels okay. 

“Yeah. yeah- a lot actually.” Changkyun told him earnestly. 

“It’s the feeling right, the feeling like your absolutely fucking worthless? That no one cares, and that you hurt everyone with how fucked up you are? Because I’m- we. We are fucked up. But I don’t think that’s our fault. We shouldn’t let it stop us” Jooheon wasn’t looking at him, and Changkyun didn’t want him to. 

Changkyun couldn’t have this conversation in the light of day, looking at him. So he didn’t. 

“I didn’t know you were like me. You seem so happy” Changkyun told him, he bit into the communal slim Jim and let the only noise he heard be his chewing. 

“I am happy. You can be depressed and be happy. It’s all about good days and bad days. Sometimes weeks and maybe months.” Jooheon took the slim Jim from his hand and took a too big bite, Changkyun let it slide. 

“I don’t think- I don’t think I’ve ever been happy.” Changkyun spoke so softly. He had never gotten this far with someone before, he had never been this honest with anyone except his therapist. 

“It’s because you aren’t letting yourself be happy. I’ve heard about you. Your friends with people for a few months and then it’s like you never met a day in your life. You push people away, Changkyun. Don’t push me away. Please” Jooheon begged, Changkyun glances at him from the corner of his eye. Jooheon was crying. 

He was crying because of him, Changkyun set his slurpee to the side and carefully wrapped his arms around Jooheon's shoulders. 

“I can't make any promises. But I can try'' Changkyun had told him, the only noises were the sound of the highway and the faint music from the store. 

“That’s enough” 

Changkyun and Jooheon stay under the stars in the middle of nowhere on their next adventure. They were laying on a thin blanket Jooheon had brought and ate a half a cold pizza while just looking at the sky. They barely spoke that night. 

Changkyun remembers Jooheon putting his hand over his own and saying words Changkyun will never forget. 

“Don’t give up yet, I wanna keep you around a little longer” It would never fix him. But it made him feel infinitely better. He wouldn’t give up, not yet, because someone wanted him around. 

How could he go and fuck that up? 

Hoseok pets Changkyuns black hair down, staring down at the new silver stud above his eye, Changkyun had an array of piercings, a lip ring on his right side and a septum piercing. His left ear took most of the damage, and his other side had a gage. 

To anyone else Changkyun might look scary, but Hoseok knew better. Changkyun was the sweetest boy he had ever known. Changkyun would never want to be described as cute, or sweet or any of the other things Hoseok calls him, but he deals. 

Changkyun nestles his head into Hoseok's thigh, pushing his nose against it. Today isn’t a good day, nor is a bad one. Changkyun had a small panic attack earlier and felt bad, so they were lying on Hoseok's bed, watching Peter Pan on his tv. 

Hoseok ran his hands across any area of Changkyun he could reach, just providing pressure and comfort. 

“Hair please” Changkyun whispered ever so quietly, and Hoseok obliged, running his big fingers through his soft black hair, smiling to himself as he watched Changkyun deflate, all the pent up nerves and anxiety slowly leaving his body. 

Changkyun eventually moved to Hoseok's lap, curled up like a cat, letting himself be taken care of. When Changkyun was delirious with tears and anxiety he would let Hoseok hold him like this, but never when he had a clear head. He wasn’t a baby. Hoseok would call him his baby and he would scoff. But sometimes he needed it. 

The door to Hoseok's room was quietly pushed open, his mom peeking in. 

“Hoseokie, is Changkyun doing alright?” She had seen the boy running up the stairs earlier after entering her house. She knew what would happen and she let Hoseok take care of him. 

“I’m okay Mrs. Shin,” Changkyun said softly. 

“Oh that’s great sweetheart,” she smiled. “I baked cookies just in case to make you feel better, do you still want some?” she asked kindly, Hoseok's mother had always been kind. 

“We’ll never say no to cookies eomma” Hoseok told his mom, who smiled and went back down the stairs happily to retrieve the cookies. 

Changkyun looked back up and smiled at Hoseok, and Hoseok smiled back. Maybe today was actually a good day. 

“Bro it’s not embarrassing!” Jooheon laughed at him, Changkyun flopped over and buried his head into his best friend's pillow. Whining out complaints. 

“Dude. Other dudes don’t get hard when cuddling with their dude friends” Changkyun said, mildly muffled by the pillow. 

“Dude friends also don’t cuddle as far as I have known. Plus I don’t care that you got a boner. I’m honestly disappointed it didn’t happen sooner with just how sexy-“ The pillow Changkyun was screaming into was thrown at him and Jooheon laughed before throwing it back and hopping on the bed, hitting him with another pillow. 

Jooheon and Changkyun continued to fight with the pillows until Jooheon rapped out, both of them flopping down next to each other. 

“Bro” Jooheon huffed out, “Dude. I think I’m in love with you” Changkyun stilled at the other man's words. “Yeah same” Changkyun said, before flipping off the bed. 

“I’m gonna piss” Changkyun went to the bathroom. Jooheon went downstairs and when he came back upstairs Changkyun was gone. 

Jooheon and Changkyun didn’t know how to approach the fact they were in love with each other. So they just didn’t. 

Jooheon held Changkyuns hand one day while walking to their next adventure and Changkyun let him. Jooheon had kissed him on the cheek after Changkyun paid for their slim jim’s and Changkyun had smiled. 

One night 2 weeks after the love confession Jooheon kissed Changkyun goodnight 5 blocks from his house under a tree where no one could see them. Changkyun blushed and kissed him again, quickly, their lips brushing for a mere second before Changkyun ran off, waving goodbye to Jooheon. 

After that night Changkyun didn’t see Jooheon for 2 weeks. He never showed up at school to annoy him and hold his hand under the cafeteria table. 

He didn’t respond to any of Changkyuns text the first 3 days. He finally decided to visit his house only for his parents to decline his visit, not even mentioning Jooheon. Like he never existed. 

Changkyun texted him for the next week before his number was blocked, and Changkyun cried himself to sleep that night, wet gross tears that made him hiccup and sob and had snot dripping from his nose. He couldn’t breathe. 

Changkyun saw him 5 days later. Jooheon didn’t look like himself that Monday, his cheeks were hollow and his eyes were red with dark bags, he walked right past him in the hallway. Not making eye contact. 

The feeling was all too familiar to Changkyun. 

Changkyun never knew what happened those 2 weeks Jooheon was gone for, or why he would suddenly disappear, but he never tried to figure it out. Maybe that’s on him. 

Changkyun never tried to go back to Jooheon. He spent the last 2 months of senior year alone. He was okay. He had to be. 

He went to graduation alone. He watched Hyungwon and Minhyuk graduate and hug each other wholeheartedly. He watched Kihyun do his valedictorian speech, watched Jooheon leave with his parents the second it was socially acceptable. 

He watched every family getting together for pictures and smiling and having fun. 

He was alone. His parents hadn’t shown up to his own graduation. 

He stood around, looking for an exit. 

“Hey hey! Come take a picture with me!” a deep voice called to him, he turned towards it to see a y’all guy with huge muscles and a baby face holding his hand out. 

“You didn’t have anyone so I thought you could take photos with me, if you want that is. No one deserves to be alone on their graduation” He said softly. 

“Um. Sure” Changkyun said. 

They stood together, Changkyun standing with a random boy taking his graduation photos that would never see the light of day. 

His mom was cooing at them and when they were done the boy tapped his shoulder. 

“What’s your name by the way?” he asked. Changkyun chuckled, “Im Changkyun. You are?” 

“Shin Hoseok.”


End file.
